I've never cried in a funeral.
This is one of the moments that makes me question if I am bitter and sadistic underneath my already open attitude about hating the world. I just received news that my friend from filmschool has fallen into death's grip; sliced by his scythe; called upon by the Father; reached his time; bottom line: he's dead.
I've been to a funeral before when I was young, about kindergarten, for my aunt's death. All I said during the funeral that I remember till now was: "Mom, why are the people so noisy?" There was another funeral that I believe was of my grandmother. We arrived late so the burial ceremony was over so I simply went around and looked at other people's death memoirs. "Aw, this baby was just 3 months when she died," was what I thought during that moment.
Sometimes I think that I wasn't familiar with death so I never felt any sadness when it happened. Years later, I began to realize that my whole family is also pretty much ... emotionless in a sense that they don't tell me when someone died.
Case #1: How did I find out about my grandfather's death? I stumbled across my sister's facebook status that her flight was delayed on the way to my grandfather's funeral. The reason why mom didn't tell me was because: "oh, but you're not close with him so you don't know him that welll," which is a bit true except that he stayed in my room when he visited dad. I was old enough to remember it happening all the time.
Case #2: What about my aunt's husband's death? During Christmas family vacation, my bro-in-law talked about how when the husband is "called", then he is called. I understood that it meant he's dead and I was shocked but I pretended that I knew. In June, the matter was brought up and I asked my sister what really happened. Apparently right after our cousin's November wedding, the husband collapsed. I wasn't there since I was away in the Philippines.
We've never been to a funeral as a whole family and I've never seen any of my family members cried for death reasons. Maybe it was the way I was brought up so I never get the chance to cry over a loss of a person.
This brings me to my current loss of a friend. I knew him. We worked together. He directed my music videos. We chatted, hugged, had shoots together. I was closer to him than my family that died but I didn't even bother crying. It never occurred to me that I should shed a tear. Sure, it was a sudden unexpected news and at least this time I was told directly from a mass email. I went to facebook saw all the status and picture posting of people in facebook, it made me think: "What's the point of saying all this when the person is dead?"
It's the same opinion of mine about having people saying stuff about the dead person in funerals. Why are we saying all these nice things about them when they're dead? Can they hear it? Will they hear it? What's in it for them if they can hear it? "Oh, I am loved. Now I can die in peace" ?
In the end, I did post on his wall in a sarcastic tone without actually showing it. I didn't want to post anything since my opinion on people's death aforementioned simply told me that there's no point on doing so. However, I didn't want people to think that I don't care.
I guess, even though I don't cry for death, I cared more about people's opinion of me. Darn...
Jun 27, 2012
Jun 9, 2012
Dream: Avengers & Superheroes
I recently watched Avengers. And by recently I meant, the day it showed in Manila, Philippines which was last April. Soon after watching Avengers, I had a conversation with all Marvel superheroes comic books geek that filled me in with all information about Avengers; the members, different versions, versus x-men. Before that we played an Xbox game involving teamwork and Marvel heroes where we were once the Fantastic Four group and the X-men group.
I'm telling you this to explain why I had this dream that I will describe next. It didn't happen exactly after Avengers but I dreamt it when I came back to Jakarta which was early May. I'll try to recall as many events as possible.
-------------
It was like any normal day in a dream where you don't know how you get there and no back story of your character. From what I remember, I was a normal person until suddenly I saw this girl who was a cryo..person.. basically ice controlling person and I began to chase her. Apparently I was a pyro .. person.. the fire controlling person so I imagine myself as the Phoenix superhero character.
I was chasing her around to keep her from disrupting the city since she was sliding away making ice tracks while she was running away from me. Soon we were by the street and I noticed Tony Stark and Hugh Jackman about to enter a car from perhaps a red carpet event. They were dressed casual but they appeared sharp and clean.
The ice girl turned around and smiled at me seemingly teasing me about something. I panicked and shouted her to stop but, as I feared, she zipped past through the two men after whispering something to them. Her movement was too fast for normal human being to have noticed but her presence was surely noticed by those two superheroes. I followed and soon my conscience was switched and became hers.
I threw two small ice cubes at the car the men were about to enter as a sign that I was there. An invitation to follow. Then I was back to be the fire woman. It was a miracle that I could catch up with the ice girl because as I recall, I shouldn't have super speed. Just fire. At the time I was afraid that the two men would be chasing us soon so I wanted to catch her and end it all before trouble doubled.
Soon we reached an old looking bricked wall buildings built especially for comic books to have people fight by them so it can get destroyed. But we met with a Hulk. He wasn't like the green Hulk I saw in Avengers. He was much smaller, still human height only as big and if I recall, his color was purple. Somehow I knew this person was Hulk and he was dangerously strong and I need to defeat him.
Ice and fire joined power to fight off the purple Hulk while this man was on his way to one of the room in the building that appeared to be a bathroom so he can start showering. He noticed us and began to fight back because ice girl failed to capture him by icing him. We began the chase but as we were about to chase, we noticed Ironman and Wolverine. Both on higher ground as we are.
In my mind, I wasn't sure if Hulk was their friends or not but if he was, I knew I'd be outnumbered especially since cryo girl wasn't my partner in the first place. I still needed to capture her.
"How did you find us?" I asked them.
Ironman made a lazy gesture, "I bugged you with a tracking device when you passed by us."
Nobody was moving but I knew there was tension building up. I looked at cryo and she wasn't looking like she would be fighting. In a split second, we began to run away. Cryo on one side, me on the other side. I silently prayed that I would be fast enough to outrun them and hoped that Ironman wasn't the one who was chasing me because I might not be able to outrun his jet-speed.
I used all my fire power to burst myself forward like a rocket and I found myself walking along the road that seemed to be part of some type of Anime land particularly Detective Conan section. There were plenty of golf carts running around for people to tour around the area while still be able to take pictures conveniently.
I quickly run away into the nearby store shop filled with posters of different manga and anime. I saw some posters of Detective Conan in there also mixed with Snoopy and Woodstock. Pretty random stuff. I also noticed a number of children in the store and adults with touristy hats filling up the store. I silently prayed that Hugh Jackman wouldn't notice I was there. Stupidly, I was distracted by the store itself. I read Detective Conan so I wanted to take a look around to the second floor which caused me to walk past the entrance door where Hugh Jackman happened to stand at.
He saw me. I saw him. I pretended that I wasn't the person he chased so I casually walked into another room and locked it from the inside while desperately searching for a way out. Apparently, while I was doing so, a car sped up and hit Hugh Jackman. While he was distracted, I found a gap on a window that required a little climbing. I decided I'd risk being stuck than being caught in that small room with the man that was chasing me.
Miraculously I managed to escape through the window and found myself on a green grassed field by a cliff. A few children in their private school uniforms were seen running around and I noticed, somehow, that one of them was Wolverine's daughter. I didn't know how I knew but I did. She was about to fall off the cliff and I was there just in time to save her.
Well, not really. We both started to fall off the cliff and Hugh Jackman saw us when he looked over the window but because of my power, we didn't have any scratched when I landed both of us safely on the ground. Hugh Jackman soon caught up with us and we were all at the bottom of a cliff which was still green grassy area with a river running beside it. We were at the river banks when we had a little conversation.
The daughter explained that she was supposed to go down anyway since her school was there for some sort of school trip and she was excited to see the waterfall that was somewhere at the end of the river. It was quite shallow so there were people already wading through the water.
At this point, the girl began to run towards her friends and I too, sensing the danger of being left alone with her father - my chaser, followed her.
"Wait."
I turned around getting ready to run in case anything bad might happen.
"Thanks for saving my daughter." He said. He didn't appear to be dangerous at the time. "You don't seem to be a bad person so I will stop chasing you but I do want some explanation."
"Sure." I answered. "But I'd like to see the waterfall myself."
I continued my way to where everybody was and walked over the stone edges that states where the waterfall road started. There were small bushes on the side and the path itself was a knee length water we had to wade through. Fortunately, I was able to fly so I hovered above the bushes while cautiously getting myself ready in case of an attack by tiny dinosaurs - which, the 'me' dream knew existed in that area.
----
Unfortunately the dream pretty much ended there. I assure you, the whole chase scene was much scary and intense in my dream than what I have described here but the details were pretty much true. And after this dream I had a short infatuation with Wolverine played by Hugh Jackman. It was a short one that was soon replaced due to another dream I'll write about soon...
I'm telling you this to explain why I had this dream that I will describe next. It didn't happen exactly after Avengers but I dreamt it when I came back to Jakarta which was early May. I'll try to recall as many events as possible.
-------------
It was like any normal day in a dream where you don't know how you get there and no back story of your character. From what I remember, I was a normal person until suddenly I saw this girl who was a cryo..person.. basically ice controlling person and I began to chase her. Apparently I was a pyro .. person.. the fire controlling person so I imagine myself as the Phoenix superhero character.
I was chasing her around to keep her from disrupting the city since she was sliding away making ice tracks while she was running away from me. Soon we were by the street and I noticed Tony Stark and Hugh Jackman about to enter a car from perhaps a red carpet event. They were dressed casual but they appeared sharp and clean.
The ice girl turned around and smiled at me seemingly teasing me about something. I panicked and shouted her to stop but, as I feared, she zipped past through the two men after whispering something to them. Her movement was too fast for normal human being to have noticed but her presence was surely noticed by those two superheroes. I followed and soon my conscience was switched and became hers.
I threw two small ice cubes at the car the men were about to enter as a sign that I was there. An invitation to follow. Then I was back to be the fire woman. It was a miracle that I could catch up with the ice girl because as I recall, I shouldn't have super speed. Just fire. At the time I was afraid that the two men would be chasing us soon so I wanted to catch her and end it all before trouble doubled.
Soon we reached an old looking bricked wall buildings built especially for comic books to have people fight by them so it can get destroyed. But we met with a Hulk. He wasn't like the green Hulk I saw in Avengers. He was much smaller, still human height only as big and if I recall, his color was purple. Somehow I knew this person was Hulk and he was dangerously strong and I need to defeat him.
Ice and fire joined power to fight off the purple Hulk while this man was on his way to one of the room in the building that appeared to be a bathroom so he can start showering. He noticed us and began to fight back because ice girl failed to capture him by icing him. We began the chase but as we were about to chase, we noticed Ironman and Wolverine. Both on higher ground as we are.
In my mind, I wasn't sure if Hulk was their friends or not but if he was, I knew I'd be outnumbered especially since cryo girl wasn't my partner in the first place. I still needed to capture her.
"How did you find us?" I asked them.
Ironman made a lazy gesture, "I bugged you with a tracking device when you passed by us."
Nobody was moving but I knew there was tension building up. I looked at cryo and she wasn't looking like she would be fighting. In a split second, we began to run away. Cryo on one side, me on the other side. I silently prayed that I would be fast enough to outrun them and hoped that Ironman wasn't the one who was chasing me because I might not be able to outrun his jet-speed.
I used all my fire power to burst myself forward like a rocket and I found myself walking along the road that seemed to be part of some type of Anime land particularly Detective Conan section. There were plenty of golf carts running around for people to tour around the area while still be able to take pictures conveniently.
I quickly run away into the nearby store shop filled with posters of different manga and anime. I saw some posters of Detective Conan in there also mixed with Snoopy and Woodstock. Pretty random stuff. I also noticed a number of children in the store and adults with touristy hats filling up the store. I silently prayed that Hugh Jackman wouldn't notice I was there. Stupidly, I was distracted by the store itself. I read Detective Conan so I wanted to take a look around to the second floor which caused me to walk past the entrance door where Hugh Jackman happened to stand at.
He saw me. I saw him. I pretended that I wasn't the person he chased so I casually walked into another room and locked it from the inside while desperately searching for a way out. Apparently, while I was doing so, a car sped up and hit Hugh Jackman. While he was distracted, I found a gap on a window that required a little climbing. I decided I'd risk being stuck than being caught in that small room with the man that was chasing me.
Miraculously I managed to escape through the window and found myself on a green grassed field by a cliff. A few children in their private school uniforms were seen running around and I noticed, somehow, that one of them was Wolverine's daughter. I didn't know how I knew but I did. She was about to fall off the cliff and I was there just in time to save her.
Well, not really. We both started to fall off the cliff and Hugh Jackman saw us when he looked over the window but because of my power, we didn't have any scratched when I landed both of us safely on the ground. Hugh Jackman soon caught up with us and we were all at the bottom of a cliff which was still green grassy area with a river running beside it. We were at the river banks when we had a little conversation.
The daughter explained that she was supposed to go down anyway since her school was there for some sort of school trip and she was excited to see the waterfall that was somewhere at the end of the river. It was quite shallow so there were people already wading through the water.
At this point, the girl began to run towards her friends and I too, sensing the danger of being left alone with her father - my chaser, followed her.
"Wait."
I turned around getting ready to run in case anything bad might happen.
"Thanks for saving my daughter." He said. He didn't appear to be dangerous at the time. "You don't seem to be a bad person so I will stop chasing you but I do want some explanation."
"Sure." I answered. "But I'd like to see the waterfall myself."
I continued my way to where everybody was and walked over the stone edges that states where the waterfall road started. There were small bushes on the side and the path itself was a knee length water we had to wade through. Fortunately, I was able to fly so I hovered above the bushes while cautiously getting myself ready in case of an attack by tiny dinosaurs - which, the 'me' dream knew existed in that area.
----
Unfortunately the dream pretty much ended there. I assure you, the whole chase scene was much scary and intense in my dream than what I have described here but the details were pretty much true. And after this dream I had a short infatuation with Wolverine played by Hugh Jackman. It was a short one that was soon replaced due to another dream I'll write about soon...
Emotional Blergh
I love to listen to music when I write. It helps me disconnect from the world and go somewhere else where I can easily see the stories I'm writing about. Then there are time when I would get immersed into the song that I ended up leaving completely. And by leaving, I mean filling my mind with that world I create that felt so good that I didn't want to leave. This usually ended up in causing my heart to ache. It's none of those physical ache like being punched but more of the about to burst pain.
It's during these moments that I wish I can curl into a ball and disappear. Let the beat of the music brings me somewhere else. To Neverland, perhaps, though less troublesome but more flying. Sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming that I would want to cry. I never do but I wish I was. Maybe it would make me feel more refreshed.
Being a lover of music -- And by lover of music, I don't mean that I've listened to all sorts of music but I do admire every type of music even those hated ones. Though it also depends on my mood. -- I would envy these people for being able to make such wonderful immerse-able music. I make music too but not in the advance level of bass, drums, guitar, rifts, keyboards, filler, solo part etc. that makes people want to dance or close their eyes and drift off. It really brings me down sometimes that I can't make songs like these... yet...
Here's one of the video that made me go all emotional immersion phase recently. Knowing the mind and hand of this mixer/dj belongs to a French teenager born 1994, simply kicks me in the ass for not being as awesome as he is. Sometimes I wonder if these immersion helps me move forward or simply brings me down for showing what stuff I didn't do and coulda shoulda woulda done be doing.
It's during these moments that I wish I can curl into a ball and disappear. Let the beat of the music brings me somewhere else. To Neverland, perhaps, though less troublesome but more flying. Sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming that I would want to cry. I never do but I wish I was. Maybe it would make me feel more refreshed.
Being a lover of music -- And by lover of music, I don't mean that I've listened to all sorts of music but I do admire every type of music even those hated ones. Though it also depends on my mood. -- I would envy these people for being able to make such wonderful immerse-able music. I make music too but not in the advance level of bass, drums, guitar, rifts, keyboards, filler, solo part etc. that makes people want to dance or close their eyes and drift off. It really brings me down sometimes that I can't make songs like these... yet...
Here's one of the video that made me go all emotional immersion phase recently. Knowing the mind and hand of this mixer/dj belongs to a French teenager born 1994, simply kicks me in the ass for not being as awesome as he is. Sometimes I wonder if these immersion helps me move forward or simply brings me down for showing what stuff I didn't do and coulda shoulda woulda done be doing.
Jun 3, 2012
Boobies Vs Movies
One day I stumbled across the fact that these two words rhymes so I decided to brainstorm and see what similarities and differences they have. These are random points that I know of so some info may not be right. I'm sure there are more points that I didn't write down so go make your own list, why don't you?
Similarities:
1. You can watch it for free, or pay to see one.
2. Uses numbers and/or letter to grade them. [PG-13 , 36B]
3. Some uses technology to create fake effects to make it look better.
4. You have posters/printed screenshots of them in magazines or other places and you can put it up on your wall.
5. Motorboat may be involved.
6. For some, it can help release stress - escaping reality - if you immerse yourself into it.
7. You can "consume" both of them. Each in its own different way.
8. Everyone likes them.
Differences:
1. You can have boobies in movies but you can't have movies in boobies (though you can make movies out of boobies and not vice versa).
2. You pirate a movie that has a pirate with a boobies. You can't pirate boobies. Arrr..
3. One makes a nice pillow; the other, when stored as a disk, can be stacked high or sorted in a case book thing.
4. It takes a lot of people to make movies. But it only takes 2 people to make boobies. Not everyone is successful on their first try.
5. Movies can't get cancer.
6. Those who specializes in movies are called filmmakers. Those who specializes in boobies are called, uh, doctors..? Or perverts..?
7. Generally speaking boobies makes milk, movies makes money.
8. People writes "movies" as their interest openly. Not so much with boobies, no matter how interested they are in it. Unless it's breast cancer then maybe. But writing breast cancer as your interest is just odd. Unless you're a doctor. Still, really?
Yes. I'm odd like that.
Similarities:
1. You can watch it for free, or pay to see one.
2. Uses numbers and/or letter to grade them. [PG-13 , 36B]
3. Some uses technology to create fake effects to make it look better.
4. You have posters/printed screenshots of them in magazines or other places and you can put it up on your wall.
5. Motorboat may be involved.
6. For some, it can help release stress - escaping reality - if you immerse yourself into it.
7. You can "consume" both of them. Each in its own different way.
8. Everyone likes them.
Differences:
1. You can have boobies in movies but you can't have movies in boobies (though you can make movies out of boobies and not vice versa).
2. You pirate a movie that has a pirate with a boobies. You can't pirate boobies. Arrr..
3. One makes a nice pillow; the other, when stored as a disk, can be stacked high or sorted in a case book thing.
4. It takes a lot of people to make movies. But it only takes 2 people to make boobies. Not everyone is successful on their first try.
5. Movies can't get cancer.
6. Those who specializes in movies are called filmmakers. Those who specializes in boobies are called, uh, doctors..? Or perverts..?
7. Generally speaking boobies makes milk, movies makes money.
8. People writes "movies" as their interest openly. Not so much with boobies, no matter how interested they are in it. Unless it's breast cancer then maybe. But writing breast cancer as your interest is just odd. Unless you're a doctor. Still, really?
Yes. I'm odd like that.
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