Tearless Death

I've never cried in a funeral.

This is one of the moments that makes me question if I am bitter and sadistic underneath my already open attitude about hating the world. I just received news that my friend from filmschool has fallen into death's grip; sliced by his scythe; called upon by the Father; reached his time; bottom line: he's dead.

I've been to a funeral before when I was young, about kindergarten, for my aunt's death. All I said during the funeral that I remember till now was: "Mom, why are the people so noisy?" There was another funeral that I believe was of my grandmother. We arrived late so the burial ceremony was over so I simply went around and looked at other people's death memoirs. "Aw, this baby was just 3 months when she died," was what I thought during that moment.

Sometimes I think that I wasn't familiar with death so I never felt any sadness when it happened. Years later, I began to realize that my whole family is also pretty much ... emotionless in a sense that they don't tell me when someone died.

Case #1: How did I find out about my grandfather's death? I stumbled across my sister's facebook status that her flight was delayed on the way to my grandfather's funeral. The reason why mom didn't tell me was because: "oh, but you're not close with him so you don't know him that welll," which is a bit true except that he stayed in my room when he visited dad. I was old enough to remember it happening all the time.

Case #2: What about my aunt's husband's death? During Christmas family vacation, my bro-in-law talked about how when the husband is "called", then he is called. I understood that it meant he's dead and I was shocked but I pretended that I knew. In June, the matter was brought up and I asked my sister what really happened. Apparently right after our cousin's November wedding, the husband collapsed. I wasn't there since I was away in the Philippines.

We've never been to a funeral as a whole family and I've never seen any of my family members cried for death reasons. Maybe it was the way I was brought up so I never get the chance to cry over a loss of a person.

This brings me to my current loss of a friend. I knew him. We worked together. He directed my music videos. We chatted, hugged, had shoots together. I was closer to him than my family that died but I didn't even bother crying. It never occurred to me that I should shed a tear. Sure, it was a sudden unexpected news and at least this time I was told directly from a mass email. I went to facebook saw all the status and picture posting of people in facebook, it made me think: "What's the point of saying all this when the person is dead?"

It's the same opinion of mine about having people saying stuff about the dead person in funerals. Why are we saying all these nice things about them when they're dead? Can they hear it? Will they hear it? What's in it for them if they can hear it? "Oh, I am loved. Now I can die in peace" ?

In the end, I did post on his wall in a sarcastic tone without actually showing it. I didn't want to post anything since my opinion on people's death aforementioned simply told me that there's no point on doing so. However, I didn't want people to think that I don't care.

I guess, even though I don't cry for death, I cared more about people's opinion of me. Darn...